Relationships - dating with a cancer diagnosis

Since my diagnosis I haven't felt in a position to get back on the dating scene - who would want to date a widow with incurable cancer?  I mean there's baggage and then there's baggage.  By the time you're in your 40's you expect people to have some kind of baggage but I think I bring more than my fair share.

Would I like someone to share my life with?  Yes, but they would have to be pretty special.  Relationships = compromise and I'm pretty happy with my life as it is.  It would also make me  vulnerable - emotionally vulnerable again.  I've come to terms with the fact that it's just me on this journey.  I've spent a long time getting myself to a place where just me is enough.  I have control of my life and feeling in control is really important when you've spent a year with no control going through treatment.  At the end of the day, I don't need someone, I want someone.

I want someone to be there for me the way Matt had someone there for him.  Someone to hold me in the middle of the night when I wake, thoughts racing and unable to get back to sleep.  Someone to hold my hand at appointments, scans and treatment.  Someone who could give me a cuddle to let me know I'm not alone.  Ultimately, someone who gets me and knows what I'm thinking before I say it.

Reentering the dating scene after becoming a widow is daunting but after an incurable cancer diagnosis - minefield!  Everything seems a little more intense, there's more at stake as you've spent so long just getting yourself to a place where you can even consider dating.  In my mind it's only fair that I make full disclosure before meeting up with anybody and I just have to hope and trust that the other party shows the same respect for me.  That way, we would start from an even playing field.  Then it's getting the balance - investing time and energy into this new person v spending time with the ones you love.

Relationships are always a rollercoaster and a risk but if the opportunity presents, in my mind, I'd hate to have regrets, to think "what if".  A bruised ego or at worst a broken heart is a risk worth taking to find a partner in crime.

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