Breast surgery postponed again

I hadn't appreciated just how much you mentally and emotionally prepare yourself for surgery.  I guess it's the one part of the whole cancer journey you can control.  I've found it especially important, as it's just me, finding people to be there with you as you go into and come out of surgery, looking after you in the days after as well as the impact it's having on work.  I'm desperately trying to prove myself at work - install faith in them to trust me with some of the projects I want to get involved in.  To date I've been told to "wait until all this is over", which is incredibly frustrating as the timescales keep getting extended and meanwhile I'm going nowhere.

The first time surgery was postponed it came as a real shock as it had the added implications that the cancer could be growing again.  I also hadn't appreciated just how much I'd put making decision on hold until after surgery.  The postponement gave me perspective and the motivation to just crack on - start some of those things I'd put on hold and fit them in around surgery, whenever that would be rescheduled for.

Well, surgery was rescheduled for Tuesday 15 October and once again I'd organised life around it - found people to be there with me, arranged work around my time off and mentally got myself prepared for surgery and for starting 2020 afresh.  I was then brought to tears on Thursday when I had a phone call to say that my surgeon, Mr Kovacs was off sick - would be away for 14 months - and there was no way they could move my surgery to another surgeon at such short notice.

It's not so much the fact that surgery has yet again been postponed and won't happen until 2020 but the implications of not having surgery.  Yet again I've put people out, asking them to rearrange their lives to be with me and then having to say, it's ok, I don't need you after all...  It's the second time at work that I've held handover meetings and briefed everyone that I'll be away only to say, actually, that was all a waste of time, I can do it myself after all.  In the back of my mind I'm also thinking, well that's another five - six months at work where I just have to bide my time"until it's all over".

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