Lock down low down

I'm so over lock down.  I'm so over it that I've been dreaming of hosting dinner parties.  That's me, the world's worst cook, who hates cooking and lives in a tiny flat, dreaming of hosting dinner parties.

The past three weeks, shielding, living as a "vulnerable" have been difficult.  I've had enough of solitude.  I need a hug.  I need and want to be with people, to enjoy being in the company of those people who inspire and motivate me.  When I look outside it feels like the rest of the world is resuming life, the roads are full of traffic, people are out and about.  The quiet of lockdown has ceased.  I want to be a part of it.

I want to make plans again - plans more exciting than weekly meal plans so I can order my groceries online.  I should be used to uncertainty, not being able to make plans, but this is different, I have no control while I'm being told to shield.  Previously I could take a gamble, make plans and then decide whether or not to do the thing based on my energy levels.  Now everything's determined by a global pandemic.

I miss feeling free.  Initially, I didn't mind staying at home, having my groceries delivered but the novelty soon wore off.  I now miss having the freedom of going into a shop, physically selecting products, browsing, being inspired, or tempted by other goodies on the shelf.  When I go out for my morning walk, I no longer feel guilty for getting some fresh air, however I don't feel I have the freedom to sit out in the park yet.  I miss the freedom of travel, of knowing it's an option, of planning adventures and then actually going on them.

Most of all, I miss feeling free being with people.  Yesterday on my walk in the park I slipped and fell.  Fearing someone might touch me if they helped me up - I quickly dusted myself off and continued on my way, blood dripping from my grazes, dignity definitely not in tact.  It was so unnatural, it went against every grain of humanity and showed just how far from normal society is.

One can only hope and dream that normality will resume before too long.  In the meantime, I have another month of shielding so I guess I'd better crack on with planning that dinner party - it's going to be one hell of a celebration, that's for sure!

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